This is the part of my post where I will make very clear that this may not be easy to read for some people who have gone through the loss of a pregnancy or child. Here is my TRIGGER WARNING! If you cannot read this, know that I am praying for you sweet mama. You are covered in love and support.
Now that that’s handled. Why am I posting about such a sad sad topic? And on Halloween of all days? Well, October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. You don’t hear about it as often, especially since it is breast cancer awareness month, but it is.
This month mothers from all over are missing their children that they never met, or that left them too soon. I have been debating posting about this all month. It is something that God has put on my heart, but I’ve been avoiding.
It’s such a difficult subject to discuss, and I was afraid. So I put it off until the very last day, but I’m finally listening. I’m listening because I have several friends who have lost babies, and most of them, I never would have known if I hadn’t shared my story.
I had a miscarriage. Wow. Just typing that was huge emotionally for me. But I did. That’s what happened. There are no two ways about it. But I felt alone. I felt like I was the only one in the world this happened to. While I know that isn’t true obviously, it hadn’t happened to anyone in my world, or so I’d thought.
We tell women not to reveal their pregnancies until 14 weeks because the risk of miscarriage goes down. I understand how difficult “un-telling” people can be, but I think that as a society, someone needs to start talking about it.
I found out I was pregnant at four weeks. I’m one of those women, I just know when I’m pregnant. We were thrilled! I love babies. I would have a baby every year if I could. So we were super super excited. We didn’t really tell people, just my mother-in-law and sister-in-law.
Then, at 6 weeks, I started cramping. And then I started bleeding. Then I knew something was definitely wrong. So we went to the hospital and they said the baby was measuring 5 weeks, and that I was having a”threatened miscarriage” which meant I was probably going to miscarry, but there was nothing that they could do about it. They sent me home and told me to rest.
I don’t know about you, but when I’m told that my child may not be living, the last thing that I can do is rest. They also advised that I didn’t pick up my children. That was not so easy with a one and two year old.
The next morning when my ex-husband went to work, I went to my in-law’s so that they could help with my kids so that I could rest. While I was there, I *again, trigger warning for those who didn’t listen last time* physically lost the baby. I started shaking and bawling. I could hardly contain myself.
My mother-in-law drove me to the hospital and we called my mom on the way. She met us at the hospital. They told me that I had definitely had a miscarriage, and I needed to have an ultrasound to make sure all of the “tissue” was out of my uterus.
I have never cried so hard in my life. The ultrasound tech came in and said cheerily “Are we going to see baby today?” I couldn’t even speak, and my mom had to explain that we’re actually not going to see anything. The poor lady apologized, but there really wasn’t anything that would make it better. My baby was gone.
Many people tried to tell me to be thankful it wasn’t a “real” baby. That yes this was sad, but it would have been so much worse if my baby made it to term and then I lost him or her. I don’t necessarily see that as true. Other people tried to tell me that I was lucky because I had my boys, so I could be thankful for them and not worry about this baby. No, that isn’t true either. I had my boys, and I knew every.little.thing. that I was missing out on.
I didn’t hear a first heartbeat. I didn’t get morning sickness. I didn’t get to feel a first kick. I didn’t get to find out the gender. I didn’t get a birth. I didn’t get to hold my baby. I didn’t get a funeral. I didn’t get closure. I got a doctor telling me “It just means that something was wrong with the fetus”. I can’t stand that word. It’s so impersonal.
A few weeks after my miscarriage, my ex-husband was the best man in a wedding. When we went we found that my mother-in-law had told some friends from church that she forgot to un-tell. I was congratulated. My heart broke. We didn’t want to take any attention away from the happy couple, so I politely said “thanks” and cried in the bathroom for an hour. My mother-in-law un-told everyone the very next day and apologized profusely.
Then, the final chapter of my story. I got pregnant with my rainbow baby. I found out about my pregnancy, on the due date for my angel baby. We now have a healthy baby boy. This by no means says that I am okay with what happened. I’m not. By any means. I still bawl my eyes out. A lot. I watched Heaven is For Real and I couldn’t function properly for days I was so upset.
However, I do believe that I have a good God that has a plan for this world and everyone in it. I believe that God works everything together for His good and the good of those who love Him.
If you have been through this, you are not alone. Like I said in the beginning, you are surrounded by prayer and love. This isn’t something that happened because you did anything wrong, and there’s nothing you could have done to prevent it. This doesn’t need to be a secret. Your story could help someone else who is hurting.
That’s why I’m sharing here. Even if I put it off until 10:30 pm on the last day of the month. So tonight, can we all say a prayer for all of our angel babies? That they are just being held in the arms of God and in forever peace. And can we pray for all of the mamas who don’t get to hold their babies. That they know that God loves them and He will help to heal this hurt.